PEZGO NEWS ARCHIVE - A DETAILED HISTORY OF SPACE COLONIZATION



























Sputnik in orbit 10/4/1957
The Soviet Union today launched Sputnik, the first satellite ever to enter Earth orbit. This is a great breakthrough. Wi...
Space dog Laika 11/3/1957
A bitch named Laika today became the first dog in space. Although she will not survive the trip her name will live on as...
Soviets put man in space 4/12/1961
Yuri Gagarin is the first man in space. He is currently orbiting the Earth after a successful launch into space. His fli...
Apollo 11 landing 7/20/1969
History was made today when the Apollo 11 lander touched down on the moon and astronaut Neil Armstrong stepped out on th...
Establishment of first permanent outpost on the Moon. 12/8/1973
The construction crew and the first inhabitants of the new permanent lunar outpost arrived on the Moon today. This marks...
Bordello opens on the Moon 2/24/1978
The first independent business opened on the Moon today. What kind of business? You guessed it! A brothel of course! The...
Tourist complex opens on the moon 3/1/1979
A hotel catering to tourists from the Earth has opened on the moon. The hotel was built by Moon Pimp who last year opene...
Soviet Mars lander crashes killing 70 3/12/1979
The lander of what was to be the first colonizing mission to Mars by the Soviet mission Krasnyy Mars Drakon 1 crashed in...
American Mars lander explodes on descent killing 22 3/26/1979
The first American attempt to land on Mars and set up a permanent outpost ended in disaster this morning as the lander c...
Soviets first on Mars with humans 2/9/1980
Krasnyy Mars Drakon 2 lands. First successful human landing on Mars and establishment of permanent outpost on Mars. The ...
First Americans land on Mars 9/15/1980
After being beat to Mars by several Soviet crews, the Americans today finally made a successful landing on the red plane...
Moon Pimp first space millionaire 3/6/1981
The young entrepreneur known as Moon Pimp this week became the first space based millionaire. His moon bordello and his ...
Moon hotel named after impossible position 4/23/1982
The moon hotel opened by Moon Pimp 3 years ago has been officially renamed ''Hotel Skull Crusher''. The hotel has been c...
Soviets announce new psychos only policy for Mars 2/23/1983
Life on Mars is very dangerous, and it is very common for people to stop functioning psychologically when their loved on...
First landing and establishment of mining base on Ceres 3/8/1983
A joint mission by several mining companies today landed a on Ceres to begin the construction of an asteroid mining hub....
Mars psycho policy shows effects 4/2/1984
The violent crime rate has skyrocketed in Brezhnevgrad, the Soviet Mars colony since the introduction of the psychos onl...
Disco lives on Mars 5/17/1984
Disco may have been dead on Earth for a while, but in Brezhnevgrad, Mars it's the hottest thing. New discotheques are po...
Zimbabwe dictator Robert Mugabe exiles niece to Mars 2/22/1985
Infamous dictator Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe has reportedly sent his niece Sibongile Mugabe into exile on Mars by enrolli...
Martians support psycho policy 2/28/1985
Martians took to the streets yesterday to protest a suggested cancellation of the so called psychos only policy. The pol...
Syphilis outbreak on Mars 9/22/1985
Syphilis, long forgotten and thought to be a disease of the past has broken out on Mars. Dozens of cases have been repor...
Sibongile Mugabe patient zero in syphilis outbreak 9/25/1985
Mars authorities now say they have identified patient zero in the recent syphilis outbreak on Mars as Sibongile Mugabe. ...
Sibongile Mugabe dictator of Mars 11/15/1985
Sibongile Mugabe also known under her disco artist name Marsalina Valentina is now the dictator president of the newly f...
Zaporozhets automobile factory to be built on Mars 2/26/1986
In a joint venture between Zaporozhets Automobiles of the Soviet Union and Martian Automobiles Corporation Zaporozhets a...
First Martian car roll-off turns into blood bath 3/18/1987
The first car rolled off the assembly line at the Zaporozhets Automobile Factory of Mars today with great fanfare. Presi...
Dictator of Mars quits disco 3/4/1988
Sibongile Mugabe, also known as disco queen Marsalina Valentina announced today with a very heavy heart that she will re...
Plans announced for Moon highway 4/30/1989
Plans for a new lunar highway were announced today connecting the two main lunar bases with what will initially be a sin...
First landing and establishment of outpost on Callisto 11/29/1990
Callisto today became the furthest outpost of human civilization after a successful landing by Space Mining Inc. The cre...
Revolution on Callisto 3/2/1991
Callistans revolted against their leader this morning and took charge of the small colony. Captain Franco who has been i...
Captain Franco escapes 3/7/1991
Captain Franco has escaped from his revolutionary captors and is believed to be hiding somewhere on the Callistan base. ...
Captain Franco seizes power on Callisto 3/9/1991
Captain Franco who escaped from his mutineer captors just two days ago has now with the help of an army of loyalists tak...
Syphilis pandemic ravages Mars 4/16/1991
Martian health authorities have upgraded the syphilis outbreak on the planet to an official pandemic. 12% of the populat...
Captain Franco of Callisto injured in assassination attempt 7/1/1991
Captain Franco who has been fighting a rebellion on Callisto for the last several months was injured in a bomb blast tod...
Ganymede landing ends in deadly violence. 9/21/1991
The first human landing on Ganymede ended in chaos today as two senior crew members started fighting about who would be ...
Accident kills 14 miners 3/11/1992
Fourteen Ganymede miners were killed yesterday when the vehicle they were traveling in from their base to one of the min...
First Europa landing 8/12/1993
The conquest of the Jovian moons continued today with the first successful landing on Europa. The landing almost ended i...
Successful landing on Io 8/9/1994
This morning's landing on Io by a crew of miners is a major milestone in space colonization. All the major moons of Jupi...
Mysterious penile explosions rock Mars 8/17/1994
A mysterious wave of penile explosions is sweeping across the cities of Mars with alarming results. For some reason men'...
Lunatic declares himself king of Io 9/11/1994
An insane member of the first crew to land on Io last month has now declared himself king of Io. The rest of the crew, a...
Martian penile explosions remain a mystery 9/20/1994
The investigation into the gruesome wave of penile explosions that killed hundreds of Martians last month has been concl...
Demonstration turns violent on Europa 3/10/1995
What started out as a peaceful protest today in the Europa 1 base of Europa turned into a violent clash between demonstr...
Mercury landing ends in near disaster 2/20/1997
Last night's first human landing on Mercury's north pole almost ended in disaster when a fire broke out on board the lan...
King of Io moves into royal palace 2/27/1999
King Bob I of Io has moved into his new palace. This is the first ever palace built on a world other than the Earth. In ...
Enceladus landing 10/1/2001
The first Saturn moon to be settled by humans is now officially Enceladus. 132 people landed on Enceladus today. The fir...
Lander crashes on Europa killing all 387 on board 3/3/2002
A lander carrying 387 people crashed during landing on Europa this morning. All 387 on board died in the tragedy. The cr...
Titan receives first human settlers 6/1/2002
A 242 man crew landed on Titan earlier today to make preparations for what will become the largest mining base in the so...
Murder during first Lapetus landing 9/6/2002
A team of 127 people entered a lander to Lapetus today, but only 126 made it to the surface alive. Upon landing it was d...
Titan colony battles stench 3/23/2003
The recently established mining base on Titan is having major problems with methane stench. The gas is a main component ...
Rhea settled 5/27/2003
The last of the large Saturn moons was settled today when a lander with 79 people on board touched down on Rhea. Constru...
Ice harvesters fall through ice on Enceladus 3/13/2004
An ice harvesting team of 12 people are feared dead as their vehicle fell into a crack in the Enceladus ice yesterday an...
Baseless arrests on Europa 6/9/2004
A requirement of the newly formed Europa Police Department is that they must arrest at least 10 people per day to mainta...
King Bob of Io marries 7/15/2007
His royal highness King Bob I of Io today married all 16 women on Io in a lavish ceremony. The women will from now on be...
King Bob's harem violated by false eunuch 3/14/2008
One of the eunuchs guarding King Bob's harem in the Io royal palace turned out not to be a eunuch at all and has been sl...
Enceladus water goes on sale on Earth 4/19/2009
Water imported from Enceladus went on sale worldwide last week priced at around USD 250 per half liter (17 oz) bottle. E...
Landing on Titania of Uranus 2/25/2014
Uranus moon Titania was finally settled today after long delays. There are now 174 people on Titania already hard at wor...
King of Io in critical condition 3/5/2014
King Bob I of Io is in critical condition at Bob City Hospital of Bob City, Io after having jumped from the city ceiling...
Gladiator fights banned on Rhea 3/15/2014
The Rhea parliament passed a law today banning the popular gladiator battles that are so popular on Rhea. The spectacles...
King of Io out of coma 3/19/2014
His royal highness King Bob I of Io awakened from his coma today after having fallen from the city ceiling two weeks ago...
First successful Oberon Landing 6/14/2014
Oberon became the latest world settled by the human race today when a lander carrying 54 touched down on the Oberonian s...
All Oberonian settlers dead 4/7/2015
The unknown disease that has plagued the first, and so far only Oberonian mission, has now killed all of the people on t...
King Bob to construct pyramid 10/4/2018
Insane lunatic King Bob I of Io has announced plans to construct a giant pyramid to serve as his tomb when he dies. It w...
Asteroid miners robbed by lady pirate 1/1/2019
A group of miners stationed on a small asteroid were interrupted during their new years celebration last night by a youn...
Construction begins on giant ship to mine dwarf planets 2/22/2019
Construction started today on the Naruemonia, the largest spaceship to date. The ship will be assembled in orbit around ...
Pirate lady strikes again 4/15/2019
The young lady pirate known as Yonsalad struck again today against an asteroid mining team not far from where she robbed...
Asteroid miners robbed again 1/1/2020
You may remember the mining team that was robbed last new years eve by a sexy lady pirate. Well she struck again last ni...
Yonsalad outsmarts miners and cops 1/1/2021
After sexy space pirate lady Yonsalad had robbed a group of miners two new years eve's in a row and promised to come bac...
Asteroid miners robbed for the fourth time 1/1/2022
The asteroid miners who were robbed 3 new years eves in a row by Yonsalad were robbed a 4th time yesterday. She pulled u...
Settlement of Triton 1/7/2022
Mining operation will soon be underway on Triton as a lander with 184 people on board landed safely on Triton this after...
Eight year old Martian arsonist arrested in Uruguay 2/8/2022
An 8 year old Martian citizen was arrested today in Montevideo, Uruguay on charges of arson. Montevideo fire fighters an...
Martian arsonist child is daughter of Martian official 2/9/2022
A new twist has emerged in the case of the 8 year old Martian arsonist arrested yesterday in Montevideo, Uruguay. Police...
Police ship assigned to capture Yonsalad 2/9/2022
The SBI has assigned a ship for the specific purpose of patrolling the area of the asteroid belt where Yonsalad is activ...
Martian arsonist child cracks under torture 2/10/2022
The 8 year old Martian arsonist arrested in Montevideo, Uruguay 2 days ago has finally succumbed to police torture and r...
Yonsalad steals police ship 2/11/2022
The police ship that was assigned to capture Yonsalad just 2 days ago was today stolen by Yonsalad from a Ceres police s...
Accomplice of Martian arsonist girl arrested 2/11/2022
Nine year old Florina Munduwalawala of Montevideo was arrested today on arson charges. She was immediately released due ...
Riots rock Callisto 2/12/2022
Authorities on Callisto today issued a state of emergency due to the recent riots. Callisto has been rocked by several r...
Martian fire kills at least 500 2/13/2022
A fire in the small Martian crater city of Koszeg killed most of its inhabitants today. The exact death toll is not yet ...
Largest spaceship ever built takes off to mine dwarf planets. 2/14/2022
The Naruemonia, the largest spaceship ever constructed left the Earth's Moon's orbit today where it has been assembled i...
Mutiny on the Naruemonia 2/15/2022
Just two days into its maiden voyage a mutiny has taken place on the Naruemonia. It appears the passenger list includes ...
Naruemonia mutineers headed for Haumea 2/16/2022
Space police say the hijacked spaceship Naruemonia is most likely headed for Haumea. A recent course adjustment by the m...
Man walks 24 km on sunny side of Mercury 2/17/2022
Daredevil Julio Axolotlos collapsed today after walking 24 kilometers on the sunny side out of the north pole crater whe...
Moon honeymoon tourism is booming 2/18/2022
The moon has given a whole new meaning to the term Honeymoon. A record number of newlyweds chose the Moon for their hone...
Twenty miners feared lost in space 2/19/2022
A group of twenty miners working on a small asteroid floated off into space yesterday when their anchoring system failed...
Yonsalad rescues lost miners 2/20/2022
The infamous wanted space pirate Yonsalad today found the 20 miners who drifted off into space yesterday and rescued the...
Secret colony found on Pluto 2/20/2022
A secret colony has been found on Pluto. An unmanned surveillance craft gathering data for future Pluto colonization has...
New visa restrictions for Martians visiting Earth 2/20/2022
Starting the first of next month Martians planning to visit Earth must undergo and pass a psychological screening to obt...
Moon pimp arrested for murder 2/21/2022
The owner of a popular moon bordello was arrested today after killing a customer after an argument that turned violent. ...
Moon Pimp released 2/22/2022
The owner of the Moon bordello arrested yesterday for beating a disrespectful customer to death was released from jail t...
Mercury walker dies 2/23/2022
Just a few days after Julio Axolotlos' record breaking Mercury walk his record of 24 kilometers has been shattered by hi...
New Zaporozhets this fall on Mars 2/23/2022
35 years after the first Zaporozhets rolled off the Martian Zaporozhets factory resulting in the famous Zaporozhets bloo...
King Bob I of Io renames Io Bob 2/24/2022
King Bob I of Io has now officially renamed the Jovian moon Io which he rules after himself. The rest of human civilizat...
Martian disco queen to release new album 2/24/2022
Sibongile Mugabe who served as dictator president of Mars for many years, or Marsalina Valentina as she's known in the M...
Martian penile explosions are back 2/24/2022
In 1994 Mars was shocked by a deadly wave of penile explosions. Hundreds of men suffered deadly penile explosions during...
Mysterious Pluto base belongs to Argentina 2/24/2022
The mysterious Pluto military base found on Pluto a few days ago belongs to Argentina say mission control of the remote ...
Yonsalad strikes again 2/24/2022
Yonsalad robbed a mining base on Ceres this morning just after most of the miners had left for work. At gunpoint she loc...
Yonsalad most wanted person in the solar system 2/25/2022
Enough is enough say authorities. Yonsalad, infamous space pirate, must be stopped at all cost. She will now be upgraded...
Widow of man killed by Moon Pimp plans to sue 2/26/2022
The widow of the man killed by Moon Pimp last week says she is talking to a lawyer about filing a wrongful death suit ag...
Syphilis outbreak on Lapetus 2/27/2022
A recent syphilis outbreak on the Saturn moon of Lapetus has been traced back to a prostitute from Mars who arrived on L...
King Bob of Io jails opponents of renaming Io. 2/27/2022
King Bob of Io has imprisoned a number of people who have continued to call Io Io instead of its new legal name Bob. Kin...
Yonsalad announces retirement 2/27/2022
Infamous space pirate Yonsalad who was recently made the target of a joint military operation with the goal of her elimi...
More deadly penile explosions on Mars 2/27/2022
Since we reported on a new wave of penile explosions on Mars a few days ago there have been several more cases. Health a...
Governor of Titania found dead 2/27/2022
The Governor of Titania was found dead this morning. Police have ruled the death a suicide and have dismissed any reques...
Pluto base is Uruguayan, not Argentine 2/27/2022
The mysterious military base on Pluto that was identified as Argentine a few days ago is in fact Uruguayan. The national...
President of Uruguay speaks out on Pluto military base 2/27/2022
The President of Uruguay in a live TV address today explained that he did indeed authorized the secret military base on ...
Moon Pimp bans Uruguayans in response to Pluto base 2/27/2022
Moon Pimp has said he will not wait for the UN sanctions to take effect. Effective immediately Uruguayan citizens are no...
More secret bases found on Pluto and Charon 2/27/2022
The unmanned craft orbiting Pluto that found the secret Uruguayan military base on Pluto last week has now found two mor...
Yonsalad makes a run for it 2/28/2022
Interplanetarily wanted criminal Yonsalad today sent a message to the press that she is now leaving her secret base in t...
Argentina and Uruguay have colonized Pluto 2/28/2022
The presidents of Argentina and Uruguay held a joint press conference today where they publically disclosed the existenc...
Uninhabited dwarf planets to be surveyed for secret colonies 3/1/2022
The Uruguay-Argentina Pluto crisis has prompted the Interplanetary council to launch immediate probes to several dwarf p...
Pluto militarized bases raise concerns over space peace 3/1/2022
The complex of military bases built by Argentina and Uruguay on Pluto and Charon raises concerns about whether the solar...
Moon Pimp blamed for another customer's death 3/2/2022
Moon Pimp who has been in recent legal trouble over the death of a customer of his bordello is now facing more death acc...
Unknown colony detected on Makemake 3/2/2022
After the recent discovery of secret Uruguayan and Argentine colonies on Pluto and Charon the smallest worlds in our sol...
Ganymede on high alert after series of structural failures 3/3/2022
A number of roof collapses have occurred the last few weeks on Ganymede that seem to be caused on purpose by an unknown ...
Source of mysterious penile explosions on Mars found 3/4/2022
The source of the latest wave of deadly penile explosions that have killed several hundred Martians recently has been de...
Triton productivity experiment shows good results 3/5/2022
It's only been two months since the first humans landed on Triton, but by the look of it you would think they'd been the...
Uruguay-Argentina Pluto alliance coming apart? 3/6/2022
The joint colonization of Pluto and Charon by Uruguay and Argentina, born out of an alliance that until just a few days ...
Communist terrorists strike again on Ganymede 3/7/2022
Another terrorist attack on Ganymede this morning claimed the lives of 15 innocent people as a bomb exploded in a busy s...
Zaporozhets to remain unchanged 3/8/2022
After big protests against the plans to update the Zaporozhets ZAZ 968 that has been produced in its Martian version on ...
Violence reported from Pluto bases 3/9/2022
Several incidences of physically violent fights between Uruguayos and Argentinos were reported today from several of the...
Argentina threatens Uruguay with nuclear war 3/10/2022
An official statement from the pink house released this morning threatens Uruguay with war on Earth unless they stop vio...
Lapetus imposes quarantine to stop syphilis outbreak 3/11/2022
Lapetus authorities have issued a global quarantine order effective immediately to stop the recent syphilis outbreak. It...
Mars psycho murders 3/15/2022
Murders have been commonplace on Mars for decades, but some Earth governments are now saying enough and are pushing for ...
Uruguay takes control of Charon 3/22/2022
Uruguay has now taken control of both bases on Charon in effect giving them control over all human civilization of that ...
Martian psycho rights leader killed by psycho 3/25/2022
Oleg Popov, leader of the Martian Association of the Acceptance of the Medically Psychotic, or MAAMP was killed today in...
Governor of Ganymede kidnapped by communist rebels 3/29/2022
Earlier today a group of heavily armed communist rebels stormed the Ganymede capitol building and abducted the governor ...
Uruguayans furious over Argentine killing of Pluto capybara. 3/31/2022
Last night drunk celebrating Argentines on one of the Pluto bases controlled by Argentina killed and ate a pet capybara ...
Governor of Ganymede escapes from kidnappers 4/6/2022
The governor of Ganymede who was kidnapped last week and tortured by communist rebels showed up today at the governor's ...
Titans offered surgery to remove sense of smell 4/16/2022
The Titan government has offered a new solution to the Titan stench problem. All residents of Titan will be offered free...
Gladiator fights back on Rhea 5/7/2022
It's been 8 years since the Rhea parliament banned the popular gladiator fights where combatants battle unarmed to the d...

Copyright Stratus-Pikpuk, Inc.